A week before her surgery, she made a list OF all THE people with whom she had unresolved business; it included her sister, two friends, an ex-lover, AND a former boss. Systematically, she contacted them all. "The surgery put me IN touch with THE fact that my life could end tomorrow -- or today. We only HAVE this short opportunity TO love people, AND I NO longer wanted TO waste my time holding onto grudges AND resentments." 5417
Paradox is part AND parcel OF deeply knowing another human being, AND it is at THE heart OF reconciliation. When we grow large enough TO embrace our own faults AND TO honor THE flawed humanity OF another human being, we open THE door TO connection, integration, AND love. 7313
Maturity allows us TO soften our stance, TO relinquish absolute requirements, TO accept another person's failings, while at THE same time acknowledging our own. Mature people learn TO embrace relationships that are imperfect. As one man told me, "I love my daughter, but I don't love everything about her." 6312
Our reconciliation was essentially tied TO THE knowledge that time was running out. She was going TO die, AND after that, there would BE NO more chances. Knowing that allowed THE love that had BEEN swimming below THE surface OF our relationship FOR years, TO rise. 1973
Molly's exercise reveals THE complexity OF human beings. THE father who taught you TO ride a bike could never hold down a job or keep a roof over your head. THE brother who told wonderful stories tied you up with belts when your parents left you alone. Your mother, who lovingly sewed you shoes from THE softest cowhide, screamed, "I hate you" one dark AND rainy afternoon. THE friend who made you laugh until you cried spread rumors IN THE eighth grade cafeteria that you were having sex with THE boy down THE street. THE enemy you were taught TO hate AND fear plays THE violin SO sweetly it breaks your heart. 4990
At forty, Marcus married AND had a daughter. Becoming Angie's father opened up his world: "I spent years defending against THE need TO BE close TO people, but when Angie was born, THE walls began TO melt. I wanted Angie TO HAVE a sense OF connection with blood family that I never had." 8595
In his book, How TO Forgive When You Can't Forget, Charles Klein describes an exercise used by Rabbi Pesach Krauss, who worked as a chaplain at Memorial Sloan Kettering Hospital IN New York. IN his work with cancer patients, Krauss held up a piece OF paper with a single dot IN THE center, AND asked his patients TO describe what they saw. Many described only THE dot, AND when they did, he reminded them TO notice all THE white space on THE page. "The dot," he would tell them, "is THE pain AND suffering you are experiencing because OF your cancer. AND THE white space is all that is good AND precious IN your life. By shifting your perspective, you can see how small AND insignificant that dot is compared TO THE goodness OF life." 2467
I was SO grief-stricken at all THE loss. I felt vulnerable AND fragile. Maya AND Dan had both died IN their thirties. My mom AND dad were dead -- AND ambivalent relationships are THE hardest ones TO lose. I saw that life is completely unpredictable AND that love is all we've got. People being right or wrong didn't seem TO matter anymore. THE people I loved suddenly became very precious TO me. 6164
As one man explained, "It's hard TO speak OF THE violence AND THE tenderness IN my family because there was SO much OF both." 5070
My friend Nona Olivia grew up wild AND rebellious IN southeast Texas. When we met, I was nineteen AND she was a spirited twenty-four-year-old single mother, completely estranged from her family. We met IN a spiritual community devoted TO becoming enlightened -- which we eventually left TO explore THE bigger world. FOR five years Nona AND I did everything together -- we worked together, lived together, drank together, got stoned together, AND traveled together. Being older AND more sophisticated, Nona taught me TO BE bold AND outrageous IN THE world. But then we had a huge fight AND stopped speaking. Neither OF us thought we would ever BE friends again. 3041
Paradox is woven through THE human experience. As THE mother OF young children, I experience it every day. Each morning, I walk into my children's rooms AND stand FOR a moment, filled with awe. As I watch THE rise AND fall OF their fragile, narrow chests, I am filled with a love beyond any I ever imagined. An hour later when we are tussling over coats, boots AND lunches, AND are increasingly late FOR school, I feel trapped AND angry, my rage ready TO blow. Before I ever get TO work AND sit down TO officially "begin my day," I HAVE experienced THE full gamut OF feelings that a person IN love can have. I HAVE never hated or loved SO passionately before. It is only IN THE most intimate OF relationships that we discover THE best AND worst we HAVE TO give. 9129
The lessons children bring865
Becoming a parent also moves us up THE generational ladder. Our primary role is NO longer that OF a son or daughter, but rather as a caregiver OF THE next generation. When we first hold our babies IN awe AND wonder, AND begin TO grasp THE immense responsibility OF nurturing a new, vulnerable human being, we understand IN a whole new way THE challenges our parents faced IN caring FOR us. Whether they handled their responsibilities well or failed miserably, they too once held a tiny infant IN their arms AND probably vowed TO do THE best they could. 971
To everything, there is a season651
Over THE next four years, Nona's mother died OF a pulmonary embolism, her father died OF emphysema, one OF her closest friends died from AIDS-related complex, AND another from breast cancer. Their deaths affected her profoundly. Years later, Nona recalled:

Up until that point, I'd always had THE attitude, "Don't mess with me!" I was very tough, well defended, mean, AND impatient. I was kind OF like a dog that'd BEEN beaten. If anybody reached OUT TO pet me, I'd snap at them. I went through relationships like people go through jellybeans -- I just chewed people up. 1612
Two years ago, when Jeannie's mother was diagnosed with lung cancer, Jeannie stepped IN TO care FOR her. 8728
Children often provide us with THE impetus TO reach OUT TO estranged family members. People say, "I wanted an uncle FOR my children," or "I want TO know my grandchildren." We are often willing TO make changes FOR THE sake OF our children that we would not make FOR ourselves. 7380
At sixty-seven, Carol had BEEN estranged from her oldest son FOR twenty-two years over his refusal TO come TO his father's funeral. Finally, she decided TO lay her burden down. "There are certain unresolvable issues between my son AND me, AND I've gotten TO THE point where I'm comfortable letting them be. People evolve; people change. TO hold him responsible FOR something that happened SO many years ago is counterproductive when he's grown AND changed into someone else." 8768
Most parents want TO do well by their children. Even when circumstances, lack OF experience, limited resources, or immaturity get IN their way, parents usually imagine THE best FOR their child. Phyllis, who was estranged from her parents FOR years, realized this soon after her daughter Caitlin was born. "When I was young AND angry, I felt like my parents intended TO hurt me. But once I became a parent, I saw just how many mistakes you can make IN THE name OF being a good parent. Even when I do my best with Caitlin, I sometimes make gross errors. That gives me a lot more compassion FOR THE mistakes my parents made with me." 4603
Everything on earth has its season. IN order TO mature, we need THE grounding life offers, THE nourishment OF people that we love, AND THE wisdom only time AND distance can provide. By cultivating THE qualities that help us grow sweet, rather than bitter, we can grow receptive TO deep healing within ourselves AND with THE important people IN our lives.