It started OUT alright. I immediately recognized THE drummer OF opening act Plus 44 as Blink 182 drummer Travis Barker. Granted, this is probably only because I've written tons OF gossip about THE love triangle between him, ex/current wife Shanna Moakler AND Paris Hilton, but I still knew who he was, SO points FOR that. (Even older editor's note: THE +44 singer is THE venerable Mark Hoppus, also formerly OF Blink-182.)

While fighting my way through THE crowd TO our desired area IN the grass, I found myself wondering why none OF these kids IN the audience had showered or gotten a haircut IN the last six months or so. All, boys AND girls, appeared TO be wearing very old makeup AND ohmygodgetyourhairoutofyourface! Don't tell me you're not emo, I know what emo is -- I learned all about it on MySpace -- AND you, my friend, are most certainly emo.

Fall OUT Boy takes THE stage, AND I am immediately confused. THE guy singing is a pasty, pudgy guy who somewhat resembles a low-rent Angus Young (AC/DC lead singer). This is not who is supposed TO be singing, I think. Surely someone is playing a trick on us, bringing OUT an old guy TO sing? It does sound right, but I thought THE lead singer was that dark haired, pretty-eyed boy who dates Ashlee Simpson AND looks like he's sad that his daddy didn't hug him enough AND had his cell phone pictures OF his privacy posted all over THE internet?

Yes, this whole time I thought Pete Wentz was THE lead singer OF Fall OUT Boy. He is not, as it turns out.

After some close peering at THE stage through my rapidly-aging eyes, I notice that THE guy playing guitar with a heavy hoodie pulled all THE way over his head IN the blistering Arizona summer heat is Sir Pete. Aha! (He also happened TO be THE only one who had any kind OF interaction with THE audience. NO wonder he's considered THE band's leader.)

Speaking OF that, call me old-fashioned, but I didn't think offending your audience with geographic stereotypes was a way TO endear yourself TO your fan base. At one point, Wentz asked what else there was TO do here IN the desert besides cooking up crystal meth.

Since I'm old, I was probably THE only one that realized he was insulting us. THE kids thought it was pretty cool that he knew THE state's dirty little secret (and that's not a song by Fall OUT Boy). When THE first slower song was played, I instinctively reached FOR my purse TO find a lighter TO wave around, AND noticed a sea OF blue light around me. What sort OF alien body-snatching invasion was happening at THE rock show (another song not by Fall OUT Boy)? Turns out, kids these days eschew burning their little thumbs on lighters AND hold up their back-lit cell phones instead. Clever little dudes.

I also got a good giggle OUT of THE realization that Fall OUT Boy, Blink 182, All-American Rejects AND the like are this generation's boy bands. They may not HAVE choreography AND lyrics about making sweet, sweet love down by THE fire, but they also don't HAVE a true hard-edge -- their songs are catchy because they are pop marketed as punk. But old people like me, who HAVE seen THE Ramones perform live (twice!) see right through this facade.

By far, however, THE ultimate moment OF geriatric-ness was a comment made by my partner-in-crime, who is exactly a month AND a half younger than me AND just as far from conservative as I am. "I don't know why they have TO swear SO much," he remarked with disgust. "There are kids here."

Break out THE Geritol.